So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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