just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
