booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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