my vag is so smooth its legendary
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
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