I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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