My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
