The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
