that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
