Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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