The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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