thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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