I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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