She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
