I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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