she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
