I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
