My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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