Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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