he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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