why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
