My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
