I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
