At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
