He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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