My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
