Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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