Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
