Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
