can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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