Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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