I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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