Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
