Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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