Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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