Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
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Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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