If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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