So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
