I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
