I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
