the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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