Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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