There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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