Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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