Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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