omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
