there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
