I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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