U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
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I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
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He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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