so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
