hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
