3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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