We're like a lot better than the average bears
I wanna passion pit in your ass
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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