You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
