There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
