I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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