I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
