I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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