Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
