It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
